This video makes me happier than you can ever imagine.

SHUT-UP! SHUT! UP!

Okay, if this is some kind of cruel hoax, that just ain't right---if it's REAL?!?!?!?!?!??! HOLY CANNOLI, I'm over the moon!!!!

What's that, you ask?

Nonsense, I love working on a federal holiday! Zzzzzzzzzzzz. A bout of insomnia for the past couple of days= not fun times here in workland, when my body finally takes the hint that sleep might be in order. Additionally, the humidity and sudden violent rainstorms the past few evenings haven't made for great running conditions, and an ucomfortably familiar sluggishness has settled in my bones. Dog days of summer indeed.

Not much to say lately. I will likely be conserving words for a short story I'm writing in honor of the fourth (fifth? sixth?)resurrection of writing group, but in the meantime, Happy Fourth! I will be spending the day drunk at Meg's. Enjoy your own festivities.

P.S. went with the tumbling pandas. Pictures tk!

Help me pick out a collar!

So the cow panda went and broke her awesome cow collar that everyone loved, and in a rush for a replacement, Matt bought her a rather uninspiring, simple black collar. It gets the job done but is entirely too severe and masculine--so Matt's given me carte blanche to pick out something more suitable. Cory has vetoed a pink Hello Kitty collar, much to my staged chagrin, but I think something snazzy and red would contrast nicely with her black and white hair, or also something with pigs on it, piggy being her other nickname.

http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=26470598&ref=sr_gallery_3&&ga_search_query=red+dog+collar&ga_search_type=handmade&ga_page=6&order=date_desc&includes[]=tags&includes[]=title

This one is the front-runner so far. I think an embossed "Mama" in black lettering on a red collar with some accents would look neat, and it's certainly the most dignified of the bunch. But where's the fun in dignity, I ask you?

Accordingly, Tumbling Pandas?
http://cgi.ebay.com/%23373-blk---Custom-Dog-Collar%3a--Tumbling-Panda-Bears!_W0QQitemZ380098343590QQcmdZViewItem


Sock Monkeys?

http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=18339098&ref=sr_gallery_9&&ga_search_query=monkey+dog+collar&ga_search_type=handmade&ga_page=&order=date_desc&includes[]=tags&includes[]=title

Or Piggys?

http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=25536712&ref=sr_gallery_1&&ga_search_query=Pig+dog+collar&ga_search_type=handmade&ga_page=&order=date_desc&includes[]=tags&includes[]=title

HALP PLEZE!

Squee!

the new Regina Spektor album, Far, drops tomorrow. Listen to Laughing With. Try not to cry a little.

http://www.myspace.com/reginaspektor

Wish Lists

A dishwasher would be nice, and on-site laundry. (well technically, I have the latter. A washer and dryer are not ten feet from where I sit right now, but use of these wasn't included in my rent, and because I'm irrationally spineless around my landlord--one of the most congenial guys on the planet--I never lobbied for my access to them as a sticking point before moving in and instead haul my laundry to the corner laundromat, rationalizing that it's not far enough to make a fuss). Few of my friends have these amenities, though, so okay, no kvetching.

Lack of counter space? Annoying, yes, but still doesn't merit me pulling the Mariah Carey card since I don't really cook. The lack of a bathtub or sink in the bathroom? Much harder pills to swallow, obviously, but even these weren't initially that big of a deal. One sink in the kitchen is fine for a tiny studio. A shower gets the job done, and, hey, brushing my teeth while showering saves time AND water, Mother Earth! Don't mention it! So what if the "stall" is only defined by a curtain and no real lip or ledge to contain all that pesky extraneous water should the drain clog? It's kind of like camp, ha ha! Besides, soaking in tubs is for dirty Europeans, as are portions of my legs now that I can't thoroughly shave them the way I could sitting down... in a bathtub. Ha ha, okay, got me there!

But bite your tongue, I LOVE sharing my sole closet with Curly's litter dome and the incessant paranoia that the cuteness of my dresses is trumped by the faint lingerings of piss! Nothing a little Fabreeze can't cure, right? RIGHT?

Say, did I tell you my landlord got a new Labrador puppy that he's house training with the help of a crate? It's awesome! See, when Charlie isn't saying "howdy" to my cat early each morning through the window to the back patio and encouraging her to hurl herself through the glass, he does this adorable thing where he acts like he's being branded with a hot iron while trapped in the crate, thereby tearing out of it with the ferocity of a wildebeest when it gets opened ten million times a day and every other night at 3 AM when my landlord gets home from his bartending gig. This on top of the two screaming toddlers and a hollering wife, who makes me feel like I'm living in a never ending episode of South Park with all her spastic "TIMMY! TIMMY!" shrieks (Timmy is the older of their two boys), aren't disruptive to my sleeping patterns in the slightest. Heap on recent mini plagues of a leaky ceiling, warped floorboards, and ants, and how can you possibly deduce that I'm not positively jubilant to be here, so not over this apartment in the LEAST!

Yes, I'm tempted to think the manic sarcasm could mean it's time for me to move. The sad part is that for all of my griping, this is a pretty cool little place that served me well when I needed to start over--even if just a few houses down the block--and finally live on my own despite not having the means to move to something bigger in this neighborhood, which I love. And as far as basement studios go, for this one's faults, the pros of having a large window for Curly to perch in, modern appliances and included utilities make the living situation more than tolerable by NYC standards. Not one of my friends or even my protective parents has ever come over and (publicly) blanched. Everyone agrees that it is a cute starter apartment for one person.

I guess it's inevitable that I was going to take issue with both of those things one day. I might not ever have a salary that will let me graduate to much more than a starter apartment living on my own, even if I'm fairly certain I can coup at least a full bathroom in another studio or one bedroom. But if Cory and I get a place together? A few more doors open.

So we've been batting the idea around for a couple of months now, getting kind of excited at the prospect, discussing which sections of Park Slope are doable and which are out of the question--we agreed that moving in the fall would give us a chance to save some money and enjoy one last summer living right near the park for him and one of relative solitude for me...and then Cor got laid off two weeks ago. Harumpf. IT people are generally in more high demand than, say, Subrights Associates in publishing, true, but I would imagine that until he's working full time again our plans to move in together are temporarily shelved. Can I hang on, in the meantime? The pragmatist in me says, "duh, dumbass, suck it up and wait it out--you are lucky compared to a lot of people and you can just continue to save money," and I realize that...but between us? I am SO READY to heave-ho, guys.

Anyway, thanks for listening (TIMMY!).

Oh, hello Amy and Will!

Will you adopt me? Nanny? Indentured Servent? Fish tank cleaner? I'll be super discreet!

Great To See You Feat. Will Arnett, Amy Poehler, Peter Serafinowicz and Sarah Alexander - watch more funny videos

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/world/europe/article6479203.ece

Tuesdays with Evan

Lizz: Are you really sick, dumbface? Come play trivia!!!! We need you!

Evan: I'm feeling better--but knowing my history of throat sickness I want to make sure this is nipped in the bud now before my birthday and before I go on a looooong plane ride to Europe. To Eastern Europe where they don't even have hospitals. They just spit on a voodoo doll and call it a day!

Lizz: I heard they don't even wear shoes, they just tie goat scrotums to their dirty, blistered feet!

Evan: That's a vicious lie! Poles don't even have feet! In a lavish ceremony at the age of four, the Polish Secretary of Feets slices off every Polish infant's feet to feed to the family so that they can survive the harsh Eastern European winter. Then they replace the feet with potatos. That is how crappy Poland is.

Lizz: Yes, and the potatos are soaked in bellybutton brine and gnawed on by wharf rats!

Evan: Ah yes, I see someone has also been to Wikipedia's Poland entry.

Fun!

Jess did this and I thought I would warn my own agitators.

1) American Apparel: imagine my surprise when after finally mustering the courage to enter one of these blasted hipster holes and purchasing an overpriced pair of leggings a few months ago, the leggings were actually great and held up fantastically. "Well, I'll go right back and buy another!" I trumpeted recently. "Not quire, fatty lamey Magoo!" American Apparel chastised. I wore the second identical pair twice before ripping a giant hole in the crotch. That's more like it!

2) Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants 2: To be fair, I had a marvelous time cackling at Cory's TV yesterday afternoon due to the sheer absurdity of this movie, shrieking such statements as "Waaaaahhh, I'm snotty America!, "Rigggggggght," and "just go buy Plan B, bitch!"

3)Knees: as long as I keep running, my knees are ALWAYS on notice, until...further notice.

4) Thedailyplate.com, or now "livestrong.com": should be livesuck.com! Burn! Once upon a time, this website was a very cool resource for meal planning and weight loss, but technical bugs that have prevailed the past couple months have made it unusable, which is a shame.

5) Dingleberries: I love you Curly, but I'm thinking about shaving your butt.

6) Yelling Neighbors: I love you, landlord, but I think y'all need a visit from Supernanny or something, because the constant shouting at your kids in place of time outs makes me very sad and consistently harshes my buzz.

7) Lazy Orthopedic Surgeon: I really like this guy, but when I called to ask his receptionist when I could expect my co-payment check to be cashed--dated almost a month ago--she said, "oh, I'm not sure when he'll get to the bank." Fantastic, presumably when he takes all the other money he keeps in a tube sock out from underneath his mattress...I know it's Sheepshead Bay, but c'mon.

8) Denise Richards Colon It's Complicated: Do you ever feel guilty about certain celebrities completely repulsing you for no valid reason? Me neither. I can't stand that woman. I have no idea why.