After what he thought was sort of a lackluster audition and not hearing anything for weeks and assuming he didn't make the cut, a few days ago he got a phone call from one of the casting agents asking him to prepare to come in for a day of work. One dazzling display of ivory tickling, some whirs, clicks and pops, and ZOUNDS!!!!!, now each hand is insured for 10 MILLION DOLLARS! Sort of. I'm reposting his hilarious version of things, so decide for yourself.
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So, I totally missed everything that was the 2009 Inauguration Day, save a few shots of the musicians (Yo Yo Ma! Itzhak Perlman!) playing the (John Williams!) piece. I was annoyed I didn't get to see any of it, but I did have somewhat of a good reason...I was going to STAR in a MAJOR MOTION PICTURE! (Or...my hands were going to be featured in a close-up of a piano scene for the fall remake of "Fame"...tomato, tomahto...)
I also got up early, but not as early as Diana (6:30 for me). I also worried about traffic, leaving myself an hour-and-a-half to battle rush hour traffic. But oops...I was going the opposite direction (away from the city) and traffic was a breeze. So I got to the Holiday Inn where the movie had set up base camp like an hour early, but it's just as well, I had stuff to do before my 9:30 call. Places to go! People to see! I didn't want to be late! Or keep them waiting! (Irony will soon commence...)
So I was dropped off at the craft services trucks (NICE!) and told to get a bite to eat (NIIIIICE!). I was then asked to fill out my contract and sign some confidentiality agreements (the song I'd be doing hand-doubling for is one of the movie's original songs, and I think they're hoping it will be their break-out hit, so alas, I cannot send it to you lest I get my butt totally sued). Then I was whisked to Wardrobe (!). I got to the wardrobe trailer and stood around for a bit while there were hushed whispers and stolen glances at myself for a few minutes. I tried not to notice by watching the aforementioned Inauguration moments on a TV in the trailer. Finally, catty gay guy and scary emo-girl (who just MAY have been the original inspiration for the Olsen twins' fashion sense) sauntered back to their posts, leaving a nice, grandmotherly woman to talk to me. I now knew the struggle that is being Ugly Betty.
"What's your name? Oh, hi DJ. Here's the situation: we don't have another shirt for you to wear," (side note: Obviously, since I'm his hand double, I have to wear the exact shirt the character Marco is wearing in the scene. When I went on my first audition for this job, I had to give them all my clothing sizes for this reason) "...and all we have is Marco's back-up shirt. But it's an....extra...small..." Suddenly the whispering made sense: they hadn't counted on Fudgie the Whale being Marco's piano double (even though the casting agent SAW me and took PHOTOS of both my hands and face at the first audition). Not that I'm saying I'm fat, (I prefer slightly husky, thank you...) but the thing is I apparently am a Fatty Magoo in Hollywood, especially when doubling for a wiry 17-year-old fresh off a string if ABC Famly movies (more on him later!).
"I guess we can cut out the back of the shirt...but oh, let me check with the director to see if they need to shoot you from the back..." Grandma huffs. Walkie-talkie comes out (EVERY crew member has a walkie-talkie, and they all use them ALL. THE. TIME.) When it was reported that no, indeed they would only be showing my hands from the front, as audiences might be confused why heart-throb Marco occasionally turned into a circus bear in some shots, the costume lady diligently cut out the back of my shirt and slit the sleeves so my sausage arms could fit inside (let me just add that of course the shirt wouldn't have fit me even if I was 50 lbs. lighter as it was an EXTRA SMALL. But I'm going heavy on the fat jokes here so you can better understand the subtle air that was surrounding me...) Luckily, I had worn a tee-shirt the exact color of the dark-wash denim western shirt that was my costume, so there was no need for me to parade around Woodland Hills in a backless shirt (I save those for West Hollywood). But that didn't stop me from feeling incredibly stupid walking around with a cut-away shirt held together in the back by an elastic (elastic) band. Thank God I didn't need to wear his probably size 20 waist jeans. Heaven only knows...
So I went back to base camp (Hollywood caterers are really quite serious about their job). And waited around. After about an hour, the woman who directed me to wardrobe (Bianca or Tina or something) came to tell me she was going to take me to set. They didn't need me right away, but it was best I was ready "in case the shooting schedule changed, you know," and plus I had to check in with the makeup department head and "see if she needed to do anything, you know" (to my HANDS?!) So we cross the street, shirt semi-flapping in the wind, to the Italian restaurant where they were shooting (backstory: Marco's family is one of "those" Italian NY families who own and live above their own restaurant). I go around to the back parking lot where the crew is set up, as well as ANOTHER craft services tent (seriously, how are these people not all 300 lbs.?) I was introduced to Adam, one of the AD's; Brian, the music supervisor; and John, the guy who hired me (thanks largely in part to my buddy Josh, I suspect). John introduced me throughout the day as the "hands" to which I got various reactions "Oh [your hands] are gonna be famous!"; "Oh let me see!"; and the more appreciated, "Hi, what's your name? How long have you been playing piano?" After meeting much of the crew, I was told to sit tight as they probably wouldn't get to me until after lunch (“Do you have a book?” Uh, no). So I grabbed one of the many director's-style fold up chairs, imprinted with the "Fame" logo on the back and actor/crew member name on front and did just that.
After a bit, I was approached by makeup lady (with a slight German accent) and told I was being taken to "compare" against Asher Book, the actor playing Marco. So he held up his OLIVE HAIRLESS SKINNY-ISH arms against my pasty white furry-knuckled monstrosities (thanks, Irish heritage coupled with the fact that I rarely see natural light!) which garnered an amusing but ever-so-subtle tsk from Frau Mabeline. Great, I've disappointed someone else based on something I cannot control. I kept thinking, hey you guys totally knew who you were getting...I will not apologize for being a healty Mid-Western type. I'm a composer, damnit, not an actor.
"Vell, ve'll definitely af to add some color. And ve might neet to thin out zee air a leetle, that's ok, yes?" (OK, I'm going totally over-the-top with the accent for comic effect). I had been told shaving my hands may be required at the audition and I didn't really care, hair grows back, so I was like, "whatever you have to do is fine." But it was a big deal to her and it pained her to have to alter my beautiful piano hands in such a way. So she brings out her electric trimmer and at first starts thinning out my hand hair. Then the call comes in the walkie-talkie: "Since the double is like twice the size of Marco," (um hello, do they think I can't hear the walkies?) "the shirt didn't fit, so the sleeves don't fit, so they'll both have to do the scene with the sleeves slightly rolled up." Translation: forearms are gettin' shaved. But whatever, I was still being a good sport. So she resumes with the shaving, starting out delicately before realizing it's futile and just going for it. Then she pulls out the makeup which leads to one of the funniest/awkward moments of the day: she forgot about the knuckle hair. So she starts to apply the makeup, sees the knuckles and (I'm not exaggerating at this point) exclaims, "OH! BAD!" followed by a bit of a pause and then, "Not zat I mean to zay they are ugly or anything, zay are just not like iz...."
Nice try, Brunhilda. I read you loud and clear. So out come the clippers to remedy the situation stat. Then she very excitedly breaks out this new makeup product and is completely taken with it, how smoothly it applies, how it blends, how it leaves no pesky residue. So much so, she drags me over to her assistant to show it off. I wondered briefly if I wasn't on the set of an infomercial, about ready to dunk my hand in a bowl of water (See! It doesn't come off!) Then, the next time Asher-Crasher was available (that’s what the cast and crew calls him since he crashed his car during the first week of shooting), he comes back out to do a comparison, and it is noted that I need more yellow, or actually, do we have any bronzer?
Ok, so on to the actors. There were some cute little munchkins running around who were Marco's little siblings (this was why I had to wait to shoot my scene. They had to "wrap" them first, due to child labor laws and all that). But the two that I saw the most of were Asher (“Marco”) and Kay Panabaker, who plays his love interest, “Jenny.” So I had IMDB'd Asher beforehand and knew he wasn't in anything I was terribly familiar with (aforementioned ABC Family movies and apparently is lead singer for some boy band. Also lives down the road from me in Valley Village). But I didn't know about any of the others until that day. Now Kay looked RIDICULOUSLY familiar, not to mention a great deal like my friend Jamie (like if she was 14). I felt as if I had just seen her on TV recently, and I wanted to say Lifetime movie, but that didn't seem right, what with her Disney pedigree. I knew many of the kids came from a Disney channel background, but I don't really watch the Disney channel. But she has that very familiar look...she also looks quite a bit like Emma Roberts (Julia's niece) who starred in "Nancy Drew." But the big reveal on that one would have to wait until I got home to IMDB her (I certainly wasn't going to ask a 14-year-old where I had seen her. Kinda creepy.) Turns out she is actually 19 and just looks ridiculously young (she also graduated high school at age 13 and from UCLA at 18, but I'm getting ahead of myself...) They were both nice, but very much teenagers. Asher was "stoked" that I was there to save him from looking like a complete idiot (no pressure!) and asked me a little about my background. Kay made small-chat before getting a very important phone call from BFF Valerie or something. So they haven't gotten to that "But enough about me. Let's talk about you. What do you think about me?" stage yet, thank God.
So then I'm sitting waiting and another wardrobe person (this one Italian?) comes rushing up to me. Pushy, pushy, pushy. "I have a ring for you. Here, let me see your hand..." (as she grabs my hand anyways) "It will go on this finger." And she starts to slide the ring on and, OF COURSE, it's too small. To which she starts to completely freak out saying she doesn't have a bigger one, can't get a bigger one (um it was from American Eagle, so I call bullshit), and there's "NO WAY I can fake this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Hmm, how about if we just didn't wear the rings? No, no...too logical. Besides, we need some way to prove to the audience that no, a hand double wasn't used, Marco actually IS playing the piano himself! (Which shows you just how stupid Hollywood thinks you all are....) I tell her not to fear and shove that sucker past my last knuckle with complete knowledge that I just may be wearing this ring for the rest of my life (good practice...?) To which she says, "Ok, well we have soap, so it should come off eventually." Fantastic. (Props do have to go to makeup lady for muttering “she’s such a drama queen” under her breath as soon as the woman left).
More waiting/sitting. Every once in a while Bianca/Tina came up to check in on me and see if she could get me anything from the food tent (I think she felt a little sorry for me). I assured her I would totally grab whatever I wanted from the snack shack when I wanted it. So lunch came, and I was released for an hour, with the knowledge that they would be shooting me second after lunch. So back to the catering wonderland to have fresh chicken tacos, a hot buffet, an assortment of salads, and, against my better judgment, a giant piece of chocolate cake ("Oh my God, look at what he's eating? Did he FORGET they had to cut out the back of his shirt?!" It was an EXTRA SMALL, people). Then a quick call to the folks to explain that yes, it was a great experience but no, I hadn't really done anything yet and back to set.
The second half of the day wasn't as exciting. The caterers came and switched out the breakfast stuff in the food tent for snack stuff (did I mention these people go all out? As in, they could have opened up their own Trader Joe’s on location. It used to annoy me that they got a credit at the end of a movie, but I take it back—they totally earn it). And I waited. And waited. And,…waited. I did get to meet the guy who wrote the song and we had a nice "music geek conversation" ("What sample libraries do you use? Are you Logic or DP? What's your favorite genre to write for?") He was a cool guy who I made sure to give my card to (I'm learning...) Then he explains he's been giving Asher piano lessons on this song for a few weeks so that he can better fake it during his shoot and that the kid was “wicked fast” at picking it up. Um, ok.....oh…..so…..why am I...?
So more waiting! I was told I may have to do a bit of "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" as well by ear, but Asher might be able to do that one, we'll see. So between takes, Asher-Crasher and Elan, the songwriter, practice on a keyboard set up outside, and he was decent enough at faking it.
5:30 rolls around, when my 8-hour day should have been up. But still no call for me. So I wait/talk/eat. 6:30 rolls around. The caterers swap out snacks for dinner. It gets dark. Bianca/Tina comes by and asks if I'll need a bathroom to change out of my shirt once I wrap, since the bathroom trucks have left (wait, what?). I assure her it's fine; I have a tee-shirt on underneath. 7 o’clock and they start the scene, shooting Asher/Kay first (he's serenading her in one of those sappy teen movie moments). And, as we're watching the monitors, me still in my stupid shirt (wasn't allowed to take it off for fear I'd break it. Not even kidding.), too-tight ring, and shaved & powdered hands, John tells me that he's not sure, but Asher's doing such a good job that they may not even need to shoot me. You're frickin' kidding me. But Brian, music super, says he'd at least like to get one run-through with me, and John agrees that it would be best. But it's not up to them, it's ultimately up to the director, and they had to wrap for the day by 8pm.
So here it is folks: I have been up since 6:30am, it's now 7:30pm, the crew is behind, and it's a very real possibility they don't even need me. Finally, the principle actors finish the scene and I hear the words "hand double" on someone's walkie. Looks like I'm actually doing this after all! Out of my way, suckers, a STAR IS BORN!! But then Bianca/Tina comes over, sheepishly tells me I'm done and that I don't need to walk back to base camp because they've all gone home already (what?!) and I can just give her my shirt and she'll sign me out. So I tear that sucker off with a reassuring, "No that's fine, it's totally ok, it was a fun experience anyways..."
She says on the bright side that even though I didn't do anything, I went into overtime, and that although she doesn't know how much that adds to my $200 flat rate that, "let's just say you made out really well today." Then Italian costume lady comes over for the ring. Oh yeah. The ring. I had a brief yearning to hiss at her and whisper "my preccciiiioouuuusssss" while yanking my hand away, but thought better of it and instead started yanking the thing down my middle finger. "Careful now, don't hurt yourself," she warns, "we can go get soap..." Oh yeah, like you really care. You're the one who pressured me into shoving the thing on my finger in the first place. So I say goodbye to Elan, Brian, and John (John reassures me to hang in there; he's gonna see if they can't bring me back in sometime next week) and Bianca/Tina loads me onto the shuttle to take me back to my car, with a half-hearted "thanks."
Aside from the fact that I'm supremely bummed that my hands WON'T be in a movie and I spent the day waiting for something that never came and I spent the weekend accurately transcribing the MIDI piano track they sent me (the songwriter Elan was pretty impressed that I got almost every little detail), it was still a really fun experience, and [most] everyone was really nice. It's not every day you get to spend the day on a closed movie set and see the inner workings of Tinsel Town.
Oh and as for where I knew Kay Panabaker from, turns out it wasn't her I had remembered seeing recently (though she's done several Disney Channel movies and had a role on the channel's original series, "Phil of the Future") but rather her older sister, Danielle Panabaker (who looks just like her) who I had just enjoyed in a cheesy Lifetime movie titled "Mom At 16" (in which she stars opposite Jane Krakowski from "30 Rock") a few weekends back. Oh, and IMDB also informed me that none other than Kelsey Grammer, Megan Mullaly, Debbie Allen, and Bebe Neuwirth are also in "Fame" as various teachers. Of course I didn't get to meet any of them.
Well there you have it folks, my (not-so-big) premiere on the silver screen. Maybe they'll call again for a hand-doubling job for Andre the Giant, or possibly the Muppet Bobo the bear. Keeping my Polish sausages crossed...
Ok, so on to the actors. There were some cute little munchkins running around who were Marco's little siblings (this was why I had to wait to shoot my scene. They had to "wrap" them first, due to child labor laws and all that). But the two that I saw the most of were Asher (“Marco”) and Kay Panabaker, who plays his love interest, “Jenny.” So I had IMDB'd Asher beforehand and knew he wasn't in anything I was terribly familiar with (aforementioned ABC Family movies and apparently is lead singer for some boy band. Also lives down the road from me in Valley Village). But I didn't know about any of the others until that day. Now Kay looked RIDICULOUSLY familiar, not to mention a great deal like my friend Jamie (like if she was 14). I felt as if I had just seen her on TV recently, and I wanted to say Lifetime movie, but that didn't seem right, what with her Disney pedigree. I knew many of the kids came from a Disney channel background, but I don't really watch the Disney channel. But she has that very familiar look...she also looks quite a bit like Emma Roberts (Julia's niece) who starred in "Nancy Drew." But the big reveal on that one would have to wait until I got home to IMDB her (I certainly wasn't going to ask a 14-year-old where I had seen her. Kinda creepy.) Turns out she is actually 19 and just looks ridiculously young (she also graduated high school at age 13 and from UCLA at 18, but I'm getting ahead of myself...) They were both nice, but very much teenagers. Asher was "stoked" that I was there to save him from looking like a complete idiot (no pressure!) and asked me a little about my background. Kay made small-chat before getting a very important phone call from BFF Valerie or something. So they haven't gotten to that "But enough about me. Let's talk about you. What do you think about me?" stage yet, thank God.
So then I'm sitting waiting and another wardrobe person (this one Italian?) comes rushing up to me. Pushy, pushy, pushy. "I have a ring for you. Here, let me see your hand..." (as she grabs my hand anyways) "It will go on this finger." And she starts to slide the ring on and, OF COURSE, it's too small. To which she starts to completely freak out saying she doesn't have a bigger one, can't get a bigger one (um it was from American Eagle, so I call bullshit), and there's "NO WAY I can fake this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Hmm, how about if we just didn't wear the rings? No, no...too logical. Besides, we need some way to prove to the audience that no, a hand double wasn't used, Marco actually IS playing the piano himself! (Which shows you just how stupid Hollywood thinks you all are....) I tell her not to fear and shove that sucker past my last knuckle with complete knowledge that I just may be wearing this ring for the rest of my life (good practice...?) To which she says, "Ok, well we have soap, so it should come off eventually." Fantastic. (Props do have to go to makeup lady for muttering “she’s such a drama queen” under her breath as soon as the woman left).
More waiting/sitting. Every once in a while Bianca/Tina came up to check in on me and see if she could get me anything from the food tent (I think she felt a little sorry for me). I assured her I would totally grab whatever I wanted from the snack shack when I wanted it. So lunch came, and I was released for an hour, with the knowledge that they would be shooting me second after lunch. So back to the catering wonderland to have fresh chicken tacos, a hot buffet, an assortment of salads, and, against my better judgment, a giant piece of chocolate cake ("Oh my God, look at what he's eating? Did he FORGET they had to cut out the back of his shirt?!" It was an EXTRA SMALL, people). Then a quick call to the folks to explain that yes, it was a great experience but no, I hadn't really done anything yet and back to set.
The second half of the day wasn't as exciting. The caterers came and switched out the breakfast stuff in the food tent for snack stuff (did I mention these people go all out? As in, they could have opened up their own Trader Joe’s on location. It used to annoy me that they got a credit at the end of a movie, but I take it back—they totally earn it). And I waited. And waited. And,…waited. I did get to meet the guy who wrote the song and we had a nice "music geek conversation" ("What sample libraries do you use? Are you Logic or DP? What's your favorite genre to write for?") He was a cool guy who I made sure to give my card to (I'm learning...) Then he explains he's been giving Asher piano lessons on this song for a few weeks so that he can better fake it during his shoot and that the kid was “wicked fast” at picking it up. Um, ok.....oh…..so…..why am I...?
So more waiting! I was told I may have to do a bit of "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" as well by ear, but Asher might be able to do that one, we'll see. So between takes, Asher-Crasher and Elan, the songwriter, practice on a keyboard set up outside, and he was decent enough at faking it.
5:30 rolls around, when my 8-hour day should have been up. But still no call for me. So I wait/talk/eat. 6:30 rolls around. The caterers swap out snacks for dinner. It gets dark. Bianca/Tina comes by and asks if I'll need a bathroom to change out of my shirt once I wrap, since the bathroom trucks have left (wait, what?). I assure her it's fine; I have a tee-shirt on underneath. 7 o’clock and they start the scene, shooting Asher/Kay first (he's serenading her in one of those sappy teen movie moments). And, as we're watching the monitors, me still in my stupid shirt (wasn't allowed to take it off for fear I'd break it. Not even kidding.), too-tight ring, and shaved & powdered hands, John tells me that he's not sure, but Asher's doing such a good job that they may not even need to shoot me. You're frickin' kidding me. But Brian, music super, says he'd at least like to get one run-through with me, and John agrees that it would be best. But it's not up to them, it's ultimately up to the director, and they had to wrap for the day by 8pm.
So here it is folks: I have been up since 6:30am, it's now 7:30pm, the crew is behind, and it's a very real possibility they don't even need me. Finally, the principle actors finish the scene and I hear the words "hand double" on someone's walkie. Looks like I'm actually doing this after all! Out of my way, suckers, a STAR IS BORN!! But then Bianca/Tina comes over, sheepishly tells me I'm done and that I don't need to walk back to base camp because they've all gone home already (what?!) and I can just give her my shirt and she'll sign me out. So I tear that sucker off with a reassuring, "No that's fine, it's totally ok, it was a fun experience anyways..."
She says on the bright side that even though I didn't do anything, I went into overtime, and that although she doesn't know how much that adds to my $200 flat rate that, "let's just say you made out really well today." Then Italian costume lady comes over for the ring. Oh yeah. The ring. I had a brief yearning to hiss at her and whisper "my preccciiiioouuuusssss" while yanking my hand away, but thought better of it and instead started yanking the thing down my middle finger. "Careful now, don't hurt yourself," she warns, "we can go get soap..." Oh yeah, like you really care. You're the one who pressured me into shoving the thing on my finger in the first place. So I say goodbye to Elan, Brian, and John (John reassures me to hang in there; he's gonna see if they can't bring me back in sometime next week) and Bianca/Tina loads me onto the shuttle to take me back to my car, with a half-hearted "thanks."
Aside from the fact that I'm supremely bummed that my hands WON'T be in a movie and I spent the day waiting for something that never came and I spent the weekend accurately transcribing the MIDI piano track they sent me (the songwriter Elan was pretty impressed that I got almost every little detail), it was still a really fun experience, and [most] everyone was really nice. It's not every day you get to spend the day on a closed movie set and see the inner workings of Tinsel Town.
Oh and as for where I knew Kay Panabaker from, turns out it wasn't her I had remembered seeing recently (though she's done several Disney Channel movies and had a role on the channel's original series, "Phil of the Future") but rather her older sister, Danielle Panabaker (who looks just like her) who I had just enjoyed in a cheesy Lifetime movie titled "Mom At 16" (in which she stars opposite Jane Krakowski from "30 Rock") a few weekends back. Oh, and IMDB also informed me that none other than Kelsey Grammer, Megan Mullaly, Debbie Allen, and Bebe Neuwirth are also in "Fame" as various teachers. Of course I didn't get to meet any of them.
Well there you have it folks, my (not-so-big) premiere on the silver screen. Maybe they'll call again for a hand-doubling job for Andre the Giant, or possibly the Muppet Bobo the bear. Keeping my Polish sausages crossed...
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And last but not least, a tribute to you, Deejster, from your Rockafire Explosion friends at Showbiz Pizza. I dare say you may readily identify with the fellow up front.
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