Suck it, Tori.

*Take a 5-er, Martha, because right now it's Tori's turn to hoover a mouthful of my hypothetical left testicle. Gawwwwwwd, when did you become SO. DAMN. BORING, Tori Amos? Why do your past four or five albums sound like they belong in a Calgon commercial or piped over  the loudspeakers in a Borders Cafe as I sip a jaundiced latte and honk into an Eckhart Tolle book?

Have you seen yourself lately, Tori, in all your Karen (Uh) O coiffed lamery? Yeah, the haircut works for Karen O. It makes you look like a cross between Cousin Oliver and a menstrual Dorothy Hamill. All these "cray-cray" alter egos of yours might have garnered attention twenty years ago in a pre-Lady Gaga pants-less, portable bubble bath fishbowl, but now they pack the shock value equivalent of my  mom taking her shoes off under the table at Olive Garden. 

Speaking of Moms, is that your daughter? She's gorgeous! Too bad she must feel like she's in a never-ending episode of The United States of frakkin' Tara:

"Mom."

"Father Lucifer, whose job was it to de-mange my Natasha wig?"

"Mom! Mom! Mooo-ooom!"

"Not now, Sugar, Mommy is renting this plane by the hour!"

"Mooooom, when can I stop pointing? You said you'd take me to get Demi Lavado tickets!"

"Demi who?"

"Owwww, Mom, can I put my arm down now?"

"Oh, Daisy Dead Petals, Mommy's sexless shift dress is caught in the propellers again!"

Look, Tori, I am happy for you that your angst has been replaced by blissed-out Momminess. Being a mom must be super. That said,  why not focus on it entirely instead of simultaneously cranking out mediocre music? I'm pretty sure you can get some flight simulated action  stateside at the nearest Chuck E Cheese, as I seem to remember "flying" planes that looked a lot like the cockpit in this video as a tot. For mere tokens! Tokens, Tori! Go ahead and cram yourself into one as little Natashya laughs and claps! Sing to yourself! Trot out all the wigs and evening gowns between the two of you, wear 'em all at once, and bond by skee-balling and wack-a-moling the day away! 

Just stop putting out beige colored albums, please!

*I have no idea why when Cor forwarded me the link to this video/new album announcement along with her upcoming tour dates it was met with such vitriol. I guess I just realized that even with plenty of advance notice about tickets and the means to finally go, I no longer have any desire to see Tori in concert whatsoever, even to hear the older stuff. Kind of surprised me, but there you go.