I Gotta Vent, Bachman-turner Overdrive!

This is a completely irrational complaint, and yet, I know for a fact I'm preaching to the choir when it comes to public bathroom phobias that transcend the usual "eww, there's piss on the seat!" or "it smells like farts!" complaints. One friend hates being talked to when she's in the bathroom stall. Another can't stand stalls without proper doors; a great many are terrified of pooping in public; one girl I went to college with hated using the bathroom on our floor unless her roommate went in the stall next to her at the same time--talk about severe co-dependency issues on that one, but I digress. The point is, a lot of us have our hang-ups and observe fairly strict rituals when it comes to bathroom procedures, particularly as they pertain to the workplace. I spend over 40 hours a week at work, enjoying a high-fiber breakfast and large iced coffee each of the five mornings I'm here, so of course I'm going to need to use the bathroom at least once a day, typically two or three.

Luckily, my company has separate facilities for both sexes on our floor. Can't speak for the men's room, but the women's bathroom is usually well-kept. Ours has two stalls, plenty of TP, air freshener, hand soap, mouthwash, and just to be annoyingly twee, a copy of The Ladies Bathroom Reader (though that same book has been propped near the sink well before I started working here, so lord only knows all the stank hands that have handled it and biological warfare within). A lot nicer than many places. To get to the lady's room, we have to exit our office proper and take one of two sets of keys that hang on hooks over our receptionist's desk. One key opens the door to the bathroom, and the other, bigger key is the master one to let us back in the front door to the office. Except for whatever reason, only one of the sets of keys holds the key to the bathroom AND the key to the front office door--the other key ring has only the key to the bathroom. If you're stuck with that one, you have to ring the bell to alert someone to open the door for you. I am fucking annoying, so I'll cut to the chase:

My company is small. There are less than twenty of us total and like ten women. Yes, there are two stalls in the lady's room, but there is really no need for two women to be in there at the same time unless it's an emergency. One might even argue that having two stalls increases the awkwardness because it's always gonna be dueling bladders. Since it's annoying to have to ring the bell to be let back in the office, it is an unspoken rule that you wait for the key ring that has both the bathroom and office keys. You just DO. All of the women here are courteous and efficient, so nobody's going to be eating lunch in there or holding an intervention. If you see the "good" key ring is missing, YOU CAN WAIT. YOU CAN JUST WAIT A COUPLE OF MINUTES FOR IT TO COME BACK, OKAY?

Can you tell from my cyber-shouting that there is maybe one person who maddeningly doesn't follow this rule? Well spot-on, dude! There is one woman here, whom I will deem the turd burglar, despite having no proof that she is literally scooping up our feces, who has no qualms about barging in on other people. But this woman is METAPHORICALLY stealing turds, see, because each time she crashes my bathroom time I clam up and am rendered temporarily incontinent, putting a big ol' scowl on my face and causing me to close up shop early and leave the premises until the turd burglar vacates and I can go back and do my thing. So abruptly do I leave when she enters each time that you'd think this woman would get the hint, but no.

I've toyed with the idea of taking both sets of keys with me so she has no way of bursting in, but if someone were to catch me it would totally highlight how neurotic I am. Plus, what if someone really does have an emergency and needs to get to a toilet ASAP? Would I rather they just shit themselves?

You know what? Yes. Yes I would. That felt great! Almost as great as taking a crap in peace!