Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Help me pick out a collar!

So the cow panda went and broke her awesome cow collar that everyone loved, and in a rush for a replacement, Matt bought her a rather uninspiring, simple black collar. It gets the job done but is entirely too severe and masculine--so Matt's given me carte blanche to pick out something more suitable. Cory has vetoed a pink Hello Kitty collar, much to my staged chagrin, but I think something snazzy and red would contrast nicely with her black and white hair, or also something with pigs on it, piggy being her other nickname.

http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=26470598&ref=sr_gallery_3&&ga_search_query=red+dog+collar&ga_search_type=handmade&ga_page=6&order=date_desc&includes[]=tags&includes[]=title

This one is the front-runner so far. I think an embossed "Mama" in black lettering on a red collar with some accents would look neat, and it's certainly the most dignified of the bunch. But where's the fun in dignity, I ask you?

Accordingly, Tumbling Pandas?
http://cgi.ebay.com/%23373-blk---Custom-Dog-Collar%3a--Tumbling-Panda-Bears!_W0QQitemZ380098343590QQcmdZViewItem


Sock Monkeys?

http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=18339098&ref=sr_gallery_9&&ga_search_query=monkey+dog+collar&ga_search_type=handmade&ga_page=&order=date_desc&includes[]=tags&includes[]=title

Or Piggys?

http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=25536712&ref=sr_gallery_1&&ga_search_query=Pig+dog+collar&ga_search_type=handmade&ga_page=&order=date_desc&includes[]=tags&includes[]=title

HALP PLEZE!

Monday, June 22, 2009

Squee!

the new Regina Spektor album, Far, drops tomorrow. Listen to Laughing With. Try not to cry a little.




Sunday, June 21, 2009

Wish Lists

A dishwasher would be nice, and on-site laundry. (well technically, I have the latter. A washer and dryer are not ten feet from where I sit right now, but use of these wasn't included in my rent, and because I'm irrationally spineless around my landlord--one of the most congenial guys on the planet--I never lobbied for my access to them as a sticking point before moving in and instead haul my laundry to the corner laundromat, rationalizing that it's not far enough to make a fuss). Few of my friends have these amenities, though, so okay, no kvetching.

Lack of counter space? Annoying, yes, but still doesn't merit me pulling the Mariah Carey card since I don't really cook. The lack of a bathtub or sink in the bathroom? Much harder pills to swallow, obviously, but even these weren't initially that big of a deal. One sink in the kitchen is fine for a tiny studio. A shower gets the job done, and, hey, brushing my teeth while showering saves time AND water, Mother Earth! Don't mention it! So what if the "stall" is only defined by a curtain and no real lip or ledge to contain all that pesky extraneous water should the drain clog? It's kind of like camp, ha ha! Besides, soaking in tubs is for dirty Europeans, as are portions of my legs now that I can't thoroughly shave them the way I could sitting down... in a bathtub. Ha ha, okay, got me there!

But bite your tongue, I LOVE sharing my sole closet with Curly's litter dome and the incessant paranoia that the cuteness of my dresses is trumped by the faint lingerings of piss! Nothing a little Fabreeze can't cure, right? RIGHT?

Say, did I tell you my landlord got a new Labrador puppy that he's house training with the help of a crate? It's awesome! See, when Charlie isn't saying "howdy" to my cat early each morning through the window to the back patio and encouraging her to hurl herself through the glass, he does this adorable thing where he acts like he's being branded with a hot iron while trapped in the crate, thereby tearing out of it with the ferocity of a wildebeest when it gets opened ten million times a day and every other night at 3 AM when my landlord gets home from his bartending gig. This on top of the two screaming toddlers and a hollering wife, who makes me feel like I'm living in a never ending episode of South Park with all her spastic "TIMMY! TIMMY!" shrieks (Timmy is the older of their two boys), aren't disruptive to my sleeping patterns in the slightest. Heap on recent mini plagues of a leaky ceiling, warped floorboards, and ants, and how can you possibly deduce that I'm not positively jubilant to be here, so not over this apartment in the LEAST!

Yes, I'm tempted to think the manic sarcasm could mean it's time for me to move. The sad part is that for all of my griping, this is a pretty cool little place that served me well when I needed to start over--even if just a few houses down the block--and finally live on my own despite not having the means to move to something bigger in this neighborhood, which I love. And as far as basement studios go, for this one's faults, the pros of having a large window for Curly to perch in, modern appliances and included utilities make the living situation more than tolerable by NYC standards. Not one of my friends or even my protective parents has ever come over and (publicly) blanched. Everyone agrees that it is a cute starter apartment for one person.

I guess it's inevitable that I was going to take issue with both of those things one day. I might not ever have a salary that will let me graduate to much more than a starter apartment living on my own, even if I'm fairly certain I can coup at least a full bathroom in another studio or one bedroom. But if Cory and I get a place together? A few more doors open.

So we've been batting the idea around for a couple of months now, getting kind of excited at the prospect, discussing which sections of Park Slope are doable and which are out of the question--we agreed that moving in the fall would give us a chance to save some money and enjoy one last summer living right near the park for him and one of relative solitude for me...and then Cor got laid off two weeks ago. Harumpf. IT people are generally in more high demand than, say, Subrights Associates in publishing, true, but I would imagine that until he's working full time again our plans to move in together are temporarily shelved. Can I hang on, in the meantime? The pragmatist in me says, "duh, dumbass, suck it up and wait it out--you are lucky compared to a lot of people and you can just continue to save money," and I realize that...but between us? I am SO READY to heave-ho, guys.

Anyway, thanks for listening (TIMMY!).

Friday, June 19, 2009

Oh, hello Amy and Will!

Will you adopt me? Nanny? Indentured Servent? Fish tank cleaner? I'll be super discreet!

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!


Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Tuesdays with Evan

Lizz: Are you really sick, dumbface? Come play trivia!!!! We need you!

Evan: I'm feeling better--but knowing my history of throat sickness I want to make sure this is nipped in the bud now before my birthday and before I go on a looooong plane ride to Europe. To Eastern Europe where they don't even have hospitals. They just spit on a voodoo doll and call it a day!

Lizz: I heard they don't even wear shoes, they just tie goat scrotums to their dirty, blistered feet!

Evan: That's a vicious lie! Poles don't even have feet! In a lavish ceremony at the age of four, the Polish Secretary of Feets slices off every Polish infant's feet to feed to the family so that they can survive the harsh Eastern European winter. Then they replace the feet with potatos. That is how crappy Poland is.

Lizz: Yes, and the potatos are soaked in bellybutton brine and gnawed on by wharf rats!

Evan: Ah yes, I see someone has also been to Wikipedia's Poland entry.

Monday, June 8, 2009

Fun!

Jess did this and I thought I would warn my own agitators.

1) American Apparel: imagine my surprise when after finally mustering the courage to enter one of these blasted hipster holes and purchasing an overpriced pair of leggings a few months ago, the leggings were actually great and held up fantastically. "Well, I'll go right back and buy another!" I trumpeted recently. "Not quire, fatty lamey Magoo!" American Apparel chastised. I wore the second identical pair twice before ripping a giant hole in the crotch. That's more like it!

2) Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants 2: To be fair, I had a marvelous time cackling at Cory's TV yesterday afternoon due to the sheer absurdity of this movie, shrieking such statements as "Waaaaahhh, I'm snotty America!, "Rigggggggght," and "just go buy Plan B, bitch!"

3)Knees: as long as I keep running, my knees are ALWAYS on notice, until...further notice.

4) Thedailyplate.com, or now "livestrong.com": should be livesuck.com! Burn! Once upon a time, this website was a very cool resource for meal planning and weight loss, but technical bugs that have prevailed the past couple months have made it unusable, which is a shame.

5) Dingleberries: I love you Curly, but I'm thinking about shaving your butt.

6) Yelling Neighbors: I love you, landlord, but I think y'all need a visit from Supernanny or something, because the constant shouting at your kids in place of time outs makes me very sad and consistently harshes my buzz.

7) Lazy Orthopedic Surgeon: I really like this guy, but when I called to ask his receptionist when I could expect my co-payment check to be cashed--dated almost a month ago--she said, "oh, I'm not sure when he'll get to the bank." Fantastic, presumably when he takes all the other money he keeps in a tube sock out from underneath his mattress...I know it's Sheepshead Bay, but c'mon.

8) Denise Richards Colon It's Complicated: Do you ever feel guilty about certain celebrities completely repulsing you for no valid reason? Me neither. I can't stand that woman. I have no idea why.

Friday, June 5, 2009

Right?




Happy Friday!

Thursday, June 4, 2009

I Gotta Vent, Bachman-turner Overdrive!

This is a completely irrational complaint, and yet, I know for a fact I'm preaching to the choir when it comes to public bathroom phobias that transcend the usual "eww, there's piss on the seat!" or "it smells like farts!" complaints. One friend hates being talked to when she's in the bathroom stall. Another can't stand stalls without proper doors; a great many are terrified of pooping in public; one girl I went to college with hated using the bathroom on our floor unless her roommate went in the stall next to her at the same time--talk about severe co-dependency issues on that one, but I digress. The point is, a lot of us have our hang-ups and observe fairly strict rituals when it comes to bathroom procedures, particularly as they pertain to the workplace. I spend over 40 hours a week at work, enjoying a high-fiber breakfast and large iced coffee each of the five mornings I'm here, so of course I'm going to need to use the bathroom at least once a day, typically two or three.

Luckily, my company has separate facilities for both sexes on our floor. Can't speak for the men's room, but the women's bathroom is usually well-kept. Ours has two stalls, plenty of TP, air freshener, hand soap, mouthwash, and just to be annoyingly twee, a copy of The Ladies Bathroom Reader (though that same book has been propped near the sink well before I started working here, so lord only knows all the stank hands that have handled it and biological warfare within). A lot nicer than many places. To get to the lady's room, we have to exit our office proper and take one of two sets of keys that hang on hooks over our receptionist's desk. One key opens the door to the bathroom, and the other, bigger key is the master one to let us back in the front door to the office. Except for whatever reason, only one of the sets of keys holds the key to the bathroom AND the key to the front office door--the other key ring has only the key to the bathroom. If you're stuck with that one, you have to ring the bell to alert someone to open the door for you. I am fucking annoying, so I'll cut to the chase:

My company is small. There are less than twenty of us total and like ten women. Yes, there are two stalls in the lady's room, but there is really no need for two women to be in there at the same time unless it's an emergency. One might even argue that having two stalls increases the awkwardness because it's always gonna be dueling bladders. Since it's annoying to have to ring the bell to be let back in the office, it is an unspoken rule that you wait for the key ring that has both the bathroom and office keys. You just DO. All of the women here are courteous and efficient, so nobody's going to be eating lunch in there or holding an intervention. If you see the "good" key ring is missing, YOU CAN WAIT. YOU CAN JUST WAIT A COUPLE OF MINUTES FOR IT TO COME BACK, OKAY?

Can you tell from my cyber-shouting that there is maybe one person who maddeningly doesn't follow this rule? Well spot-on, dude! There is one woman here, whom I will deem the turd burglar, despite having no proof that she is literally scooping up our feces, who has no qualms about barging in on other people. But this woman is METAPHORICALLY stealing turds, see, because each time she crashes my bathroom time I clam up and am rendered temporarily incontinent, putting a big ol' scowl on my face and causing me to close up shop early and leave the premises until the turd burglar vacates and I can go back and do my thing. So abruptly do I leave when she enters each time that you'd think this woman would get the hint, but no.

I've toyed with the idea of taking both sets of keys with me so she has no way of bursting in, but if someone were to catch me it would totally highlight how neurotic I am. Plus, what if someone really does have an emergency and needs to get to a toilet ASAP? Would I rather they just shit themselves?

You know what? Yes. Yes I would. That felt great! Almost as great as taking a crap in peace!

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

The Evidence!

Look, you almost can't tell that I was in a coma! Majo's friend Hong snapped three pictures of me, one harmless one in profile as I was nearing the finish line on the boardwalk, and two post-race. This is the only one of the two that I can show, because I am bawling in the other one and, as it turns out, I am not one of those people who cries artfully, one lone sepia-tinted tear sliding down my cheek, eyes gleaming. My eyes are squeezed shut, and look like I am .5 seconds away from taking a dump. It is seriously one of the most unflattering pictures of all time. I suppose if you are so inclined you can go on Facebook and get to the album and find it, though I promptly de-tagged myself.


Hey, I am a sap, and finishing the race was emotionally charged, I say! Hong actually had to be pretty quick to catch me teary, too, because I only let myself get that way for a few seconds before exhaustion set in and I just wanted to hobble to the baggage claim area and turn in my racing chip. Saturday was lined up so that I had practically no time for self-reflection, 13 miles of running notwithstanding. While other participants stayed behind to have some beers and Nathan's hot dogs, the F train and I had to skedaddle to the best of our snail-like abilities so I could get home, shower, and take six advil. Then it was on to a 3:00 bachelorette party that involved an ill-fated pole dancing class that--while so much fun-- had me feeling about as lithe and sexy as a geriatric lowering herself into a bathtub, and then a full night of dinner and drinking and dancing and refraining from setting my ex-boyfriend on fire (kidding. Look alive, Somerset!)

Consequently, I've been an emotional wreck the past few days. I don't know if it's the initial letdown of not having something to prepare for any longer or that now for the first time since the accident I can let my defenses down, but it's a strange feeling.

I also don't know that I have it in me to work toward a full marathon in the near future, but even if I hold out until next year's Brooklyn half and simply go for five or six mile runs a few times a week, I definitely picked up valuable insight for the next go-around:

1) take stretching and icing seriously during the whole training process or pay the consequences. I started to slack on both fronts, and I ended up tacking at least 10 minutes on my target race time due to walking one mile after a predictable knee revolt in Mile 11. I was lucky I was able to resume running in mile 12 to finish the race, but in retrospect, how stupid: if I had just taken a few more minutes before each training run to properly prepare my legs, I'm guessing it wouldn't have been as great of an issue.

2) never assume that just because you're a newbie, you must be the only person out of 9 thousand something who struggled. I was shocked to read on the Brooklyn running blogs near unanimous agreement that what should have been the easiest part of the race--the almost perfectly flat Ocean Parkway from miles 7 to 12.5--was much harder than Prospect Park and its hilly terrain simply because it was so damn boring and endless. Most of these people are seasoned runners, too, and here they had the exact same complaint about fatigue setting in. Mind boggling! Made me feel a whole lot more relieved, almost like I had "permission" to admit I had a hard time, which is so silly. We're all human.

3) races for the non-elite runners don't look like they do on TV, i.e, it's okay to actually stop at the water stations and guzzle the Gatorade/aqua and then resume running, instead of pretending you are on an episode of Double Dare by grabbing the cup off of the table while still running, dumping it somewhere in the vicinity of your mouth, and praying you don't break your neck. I must have looked like a giant tool.

4) Kleenex in your sports bra are not going to stay dry, negating their purpose and resulting in the discovery of dozens of tiny spit balls, clinging barnacle-like to the underside of your boobs. Gross!

5) Having friends cheering for you on the sidelines is hands-down better than no one at all. I am so thankful for Cory, Mama, Meghan and Karen for patiently sticking around to watch me circle the park not one but TWO times. I was grinning ear-to-ear, and yes, now that I think about it, maybe crying a little out of appreciation here too. I have wonderful friends.

6) Work on crying more artfully.